LordOfTheFish Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks again, Mach. I'll edit the errors I detect out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks for the review, Mach - though, just a note? I'm not the sole author. I'd appreciate if you'd also list Endorenna and Adavardes as authors, as well please. EDIT: Much better. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks very much for the review Mach. Yeah grammar has always been the weakest part of my fanfictions. Though I mostly self edit and don't catch all of my errors. I am still looking for a beta reader at the moment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks Mach! I'll try to edit and correct and proofread more often! The review will definately help, thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 To elaborate on what mach said about me implying that it'll get interesting, I stated in the backstory that I gave Tysy for the character Peter McGann that he's bisexual, and that he's had affairs with turians in the past, and probably other Citadel races. My guess is Torchwood meets Mass Effect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 As always, thank you for the Pick of the Week and your reviews, mach, and Alkonium is in fact correct. I'm trying to think of a way to rocket both of my series forward with a full-blown crisis or meltdown--the problem is deciding what such a crisis will be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center My Fantasy Fiction Tysyacha Non SW: A knight gathers her team Posted May 2006, finally getting a review. The only reason it had been ignored before was due to it being non SW. The piece flowed relatively well. This is one of the first works Tys posted, and one I missed as mentioned above, so… Reprise Pick of the Week The Reunited Chevron 7 Locke Non SW Set in Stargate Universe: A gift is given… The piece was rather dry, C7. I have not seen the Stargate Atlantis series (Have only seen maybe three of Stargate at all) so characters were ill defined though I knew enough to know who three of them were. It’s a good piece but too bland for me. Heroes of the Republic Jedi Man Post TSL: A man remembers, and wonders why he is labeled that way The piece is a well done little piece of introspection. I don’t vote of Jayvar’s, but if I did this might have gotten one. KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: There Is No Death... Tysyacha Post TSL: The next chapter of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The path is not clear, and discerning it causes death. The piece started out bland, but boy did it satisfy! Pick of the week Mass Effect II: Reaping: Hostage Crisis! Tysyacha Non SW fiction: Third chapter of the series; an interesting test of ideals. The piece flowed well, though part didn’t feel quite right. A good chapter Tys. Deeper Mysteries Of The Force Marius Fett PreKOTOR: A Padawan finally gets his chance at the trials. The piece was well done and flows smoothly. As another had commented, the fight was well choreographed and flowed as well as the story. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia We have finally reached the point where I will be able to start section 4, Dark side Male Exiles. To facilitate this for the readers of this article, I will mark each section as dark or light, male or female, Revan or Exile. Dark Side Male Revan Retribution - I. Collisions Lord Zuess PreKOTOR: The capture of Revan; what really happened at that battle? There were some word usage problems probably due to forgetting to edit. The word ‘libe’ considering the context probably meant line. I always tell people to reread, edit, and rewrite. What praise I have been given on my own work is because I try to put my money where my mouth is. Oddly enough, most of the dings is because I forget to practice what I preach. The story flowed so well I almost missed where it changed from what we ‘know’ and what you wrote. The change was so skillful I am amazed and delighted by that skill. Pick of the Week Almost Dawn Allronix Originally reviewed 11 April 2007 Original review; A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better. Reprise Pick of the Week Faith Allronix Originally posted 12 may 2007 review: KOTOR II, Darth Traya hides behind the scenes, controlling a Dark Exile. Allronix is back for the sixth time showing his darker side with this one. The backbiting tone of the work, arguing with someone that is trapped and unable to answer is so perfect. Reprise Pick of the Week KOTOR III: The Purge: Prologue Darth Searus PostTSL: A new order is created. The piece is short and sweet, but as Howard the Duck would say, ‘This does not bode well’. I just wish I had time to read it all. Juma Allronix TSL on Nar Shaddaa: From straight-laced Disciple to party animal - just add juma... I am never surprised when Allronix turns out a first class performance and this was no exception. The characters are in one of those ‘this is normal situations’, but it starts out silly and ends with a slight twist that makes it uproarious. Pick of the Week Revan’s Dark Follower Revangoddess Originally posted 26 January 2007 that review is below; Set after TSL: Revan returns to known space. You’re being more wordy that necessary. (she didn’t dare kiss the burning sands of Tatooine, not unless she wanted to burn herself in the process of kissing the ground.) could be reduced and made simpler to read by deleting the last four words for example. There are some words used incorrectly (There instead of their, that kind of thing) these is an editing problem, nothing more. Introspection is always good for the reader. Too often characters (Anakin in ROTS comes to mind) make decisions that have little or no bearing in what is happening around them. You avoided that trap with this look into her soul. Very well done. Reprise Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Star Wars - Rise Of Darkness Rtas Vadum Post TSL: A dark Exile searches for information, and remembers. The basic idea is good and flows well. Remember to edit, because you’re still forgetting the possessive I. Welcome to the Forum Good Hero/Bad Hero Salzella Post KOTOR, possible preTSL: entry in the Hero contest on LF’s Jayvar’s Cantina. What makes a hero Spelling errors primarily. The word Promotary was confusing, and the on line dictionary couldn’t find it. Is it possible you meant promontory? sacraficing is spelled sacrificing. The basics are good, the exaggerating of the first story the kind you can sometimes expect when people want to embellish. The break between the two was well done, though the second was more a resume rather than a story. I never vote on the contests, but I would have tapped this as one of my choices, your version of a hero, even doing what will damn you because you must was perfect. Pick of the Week. Not For Me Mr. BFA Twenty odd years PostTSL: Sometimes a hero is just the guy who does the job While someone interfering would be called an interferer, the phrase was cumbersome, better written as we don’t like people interfering in our work.” The biggest problem I had with the work is technical. A vibroblade by definition would be too sharp to use as a throwing knife in the manner described. It would be like doing the same thing with a light saber. Same with holding it between your teeth. The story was as Bee Hoon said predictable, but I thoroughly enjoyed the way the story went. As I said above, I never vote, but your story would have gotten one. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old republic: Jedi of Destiny DarthVander205 Post TSL, though specifics beyond a child’s birth not given: A Jedi walks into the Hutt’s den. Some problems with word usage a nation is strapped for cash, not stripped. areint is spelled aren’t. cement slippers is a bit obvious and in the SW galaxy the material is never mentioned. Why not ferrocrete or plascrete instead? Also you keep changing tenses, past and present. The basics look good but not editing causes the flow to be interrupted. This is your first review by me, but remember as I tell everyone; reread, edit, rewrite, then repeat. Welcome to the Forum KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Aftermath Tysyacha Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie, The way some deal with death I am never surprised when Tys turns out good work, and this is no exception. The way everyone is reacting is well written. Having Atton of all people coming down on everyone was interesting, and the reaction of the students was choice. Pick of the Week. Mass Effect II: Reaping: Nu, Chtozh? So, What? Tysyacha NonSW: Third chapter of the Mass effect series; always a court of inquiry. The story is progressing well, and this chapter out shown previous chapters for me. The byplay within the team over actions taken, should you shoot or not is an ever present problem, the reason they created courts on inquiry for the military and shooting boards for police. The thing is, as the crisis ends, there is always someone who wants to assign blame. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan What Happens On Korriban CaptainCrunch KOTOR on Korriban: Love is offered from all sides. At the end of the story I was torn as to what to say. You have two of the bad ‘guys’ making passes at Revan, and at the same time a letter pouring her heart out to the third. I wasn’t surprised how it turned out, but the author obviously was. Having had scenes where the character decided on their own to do something, I enjoyed that aspect immensely. Pick of the Week Sion Ivory Chopstick TSL at the Traya Academy: The final confrontation between the Exile and Sion retold This cannot be praised enough. The depth of feeling from Sion was well portrayed, even his own shock that his enemy regretted having to kill him rather than hating him was excellent. Pick of the Week. Dark Side Male Revan Orange Juice Vlork KOTOR before the unknown planet: Is this what a Sith Apprentice is supposed to do? I had to wait for a few moments after reading this because I was too busy laughing. I will even let references to Earth food (Coconuts and oranges) slide because of how the story went. I loved the poem in it’s entirety because of the dialogue nature where someone comments and the author of the poem starts an argument. And I loved Sith Gardener! Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Exile Mandalorian Sword Starwars Chick-co-written with Walruseater. Post TSL: Mandalore goes in search of an historical relic, and for honor. The story flowed well, and the basis good. Taking someone else’s burden due to honor was an interesting twist, as I had done the same in reverse with Canderous accepting the dishonor of the Mandalorians on Dantooine in my own work. This appears to have been misfiled, since the Exile is female. Pick of the Week Legacy of Malachor The Disciple Post TSL: Bao-Dur fights his descent to the dark side at the hands of his General The piece was reminiscent of the original Dracula, the fear that you are going to fall, the temptations offered, and the final fall very well done. Pick of the Week This appears to have been misfiled, since the Exile is female. Fantasizing Grimrabbit KOTOR no specific part given: So that is HK’s idea of love. I loved it. The idea that HK could be just as hung up on something as a human could be was amusing but the comments about him creating the mechanical equivalent of drooling and spending time in the bath room with a catalog was just too much. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salzella Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Salzella Post KOTOR, possible preTSL: entry in the Hero contest on LF’s Jayvar’s Cantina. What makes a hero Spelling errors primarily. The word Promotary was confusing, and the on line dictionary couldn’t find it. Is it possible you meant promontory? sacraficing is spelled sacrificing. The basics are good, the exaggerating of the first story the kind you can sometimes expect when people want to embellish. The break between the two was well done, though the second was more a resume rather than a story. I never vote on the contests, but I would have tapped this as one of my choices, your version of a hero, even doing what will damn you because you must was perfect. Pick of the Week. thank you very much second potw, yee-haa as for 'Promotary' i suspect i made it up, though i can't quite remember. i think i was taking my lead from Iain M Banks in making up sci-fi-ish words for areas or peoples, though i admit it's use was confusing D: and yeah, i always spell sacrifice wrong. it's like simile (similie) and things like that. mental block thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center As promised a very distubing story about an EMO kid Samnmax221 NonSW Fiction: Who is more confused; the father or the son? The one thing the piece needed was editing. There are words left out, used improperly, and punctuation that needs serious correcting. The story tends to leap in too many directions for me to keep track. It was amusing having the characters take pot shots at both the author and readers, commenting that the author hadn’t given the adult a name, and that ‘mom’ was such a secondary character that she is only mentioned occasionally. Cataclysmic Infinium Arcesious NonSW Fiction: A series of incidents leads to a surprising find. The work needs editing. The flow is interrupted by poor sentence and paragraph structure The sentence ‘The ship fired’ for example would have flowed better by putting it at the end of the paragraph rather than at the start. Also, 21085 BCE was long after the cave dwelling days. Having everyone hear the same number in 21085 CE was confusing because that is 17,000 years in the future of your piece. The timeline is a bit long and one question plagues me; how did the Third World War last four hundred years? Remember what Albert Einstein said; when asked what weapons would be used in that war, his reply was that he didn’t know, but the fourth world war would be fought with clubs and rocks. I am hoping, if this continues, that we’ll get an answer as to how the ship ended up buried on Earth. The reaction of the buried ship made the story interesting. Why did it automatically accept the commands of the humans? KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Admonitions Tysyacha Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie; the team prepares to depart with one last addition. The story is flowing well, the only odd point being that while Atton seemed to have meditated he didn’t change his mind. Mass Effect II: Reaping: Warnings on Two Fronts Tysyacha NonSW: Continuation of Reaping; The hearing and decision The inquiry was interesting in that they decided not to make a decision. The reactions of the med personnel was what you might expect from hostages. I for one have always agreed that the way to deal with a terrorist attack is make sure the cameras get their bodies being taken out afterward, but that’s just my own hard heart. Pick of the week kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Exile Bloodlust Miraea Starr PreKOTOR: What price vengeance? It may be misfiled as a Dark Exile story, but the piece reached out and grabbed you from the first sentence. A look into a man’s heart, making you understand how much vengeance can eat at you. Every step from the deaths in the battle to rationalizing why it is right and proper, to questioning the actions was well done. Pick of the Week Rejected: The Quest to Make a Good Read Plutospawn KOTOR: Writing can be hard… This isn’t about the game characters beyond barbs fired by the story characters. The piece starts off with of all things, comments on herb chicken; and goes downhill from there at a breakneck pace. The ending plot was choice, albeit rejected by the other author. It was irreverent, outrageous, and loads of fun. Pick of the Week Eyes Closed Plutospawn PostTSL: The passing of a friend brings the original crew back together. Another misfiled piece, but I’m glad it was. The setting is so mundane and normal that you can picture everything clear as a movie screen. The story tears at you, because like the characters, you wish you could wake up from the nightmare they are living. Pick of the Week Sing Plutospawn PreKOTOR during the wars: When can you tell that your compatriot has fallen apart? A bit of confusion about a page in caused by forgetting a conversation break, no biggie An editing problem, nothing more. As a pair of soldiers kicked back over a brew, discussing another officer, this was head and shoulders above the others. The description of both battle and the scene in the bar was well done. Pick of the Week Bargaining Chip Plutospawn KOTOR on Korriban: You have to consider the role… An interesting take on the situation on Korriban concerning what role Carth or Canderous would have had to play going into the Sith Academy. We forget what rights we would lose if we were considered slaves, and this is an excellent view of what could occur. Pick of the Week. *Mind Games Darth Melly PreTSL: A Jedi risks her life to turn one man, and set events into motion. The scene is well portrayed, the terror of the prison deeply entrenched in the stark images. The utter futility of resistance underscored. This makes the heroine that much more heroic. She knows she cannot survive, she can only win. One critic commented on the torture, and I agree. Melly, why not add the scenes you could have, it would be worth the effort, and I’d love to see it. Pick of the Week Shadows of My Past Pimp3dout335 TSL on Malachor V: The struggle between light and dark goes to the bitter end. This piece is dark but not unremittingly. There are glimpses of the light still trying to flow through right to the end. This makes it darker at the end. Pick of the Week Stop Drinking or Mutiny Jackbenimble KOTOR on Tatooine: An irreverent look at Revan The start was fun, and using his light saber as a cigar lighter was a riot. The piece went from humorous to serious very smoothly, and having everyone on his case was choice. A bottle opener designed into your light saber? As funny as it sounds the Israelis built one into the Galil rifle because the average troop would use their ammo magazines to open beer and Coke bottles. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcesious Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks for the Advice. Yes, after starting working on an evolutionary timeline in Biology class today, I've noticed that my timeframes are way off. I'll have to fix that... I was going by CE and BCE as a replacement for the standard BC/AD, not realizing that C meant Cenozoic Era. Whoops... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks for the Advice. Yes, after starting working on an evolutionary timeline in Biology class today, I've noticed that my timeframes are way off. I'll have to fix that... I was going by CE and BCE as a replacement for the standard BC/AD, not realizing that C meant Cenozoic Era. Whoops... Having dealt with the Jehovah's Witnesses, I read CE as CHristian Era. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center It's Just A Little Thing Jae Onasi * Post KOTOR: A relic is found, a final farewell given Jae you never surprise me. When it’s your work I know it will be thought provoking. The emotional content was well shown, even to the inscription. Pick of the Week KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Introductions and Partings Tysyacha Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The team receives their final admonitions before departure. Flow is good, the humor at seeing what to them is an antique manned by droids as old was amusing. Mass Effect II: Reaping: Sha'ira's Prophecies Tysyacha NonSW: Continuation of Reaping; A seer gives each of the crew their veiled future. The story is moving well, the Consort is an interesting additions, especially the differing view of exactly what her role is. Journey to Paris Astor Kaine Non SW: Continuation of In Pursuit of Glory; The hero is assigned an important mission, betrayal. The characters are well portrayed, the bullying officer perfectly created and overturned. As always, historically correct. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Unorthodox Methods Koon KOTOR on Tatooine: What affect did the gizka poison really have? I looked at this, remembering the scene in the game, then began to chuckle. All you know about the poison is that it caused the animals to attack each other, but having it affect humans was the height of humor. The last line as another commented, was choice. Pick of the week Light Side Female Exile Paths of Hatred General San 3 TSL Enroute to Korriban: Bao-Dur must find his own path The story was excellently done, the focus on how the force is used intriguing and I would say quite accurate. The idea of harnessing your anger, the Jedi having a specific style that uses it, but worry about using it was thought provoking. The same basic idea was mentioned in the EU book Shatterpoint, and the style used by Mace Windu with the same arguments for and against. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Exile Our Paths Cross Once Again Pimp3dout335 Four years after the end of KOTOR: A fateful meeting. Misfiled as Dark Male Revan this has a dark Female Revan. The story is well done but as others have pointed out, was rushed and the ending a bit contrived. The mechanics are good however, so I expect to see more from you. Healing the Force, Chapter 1 AdylinJ Post TSL: As a Dark Exile begins his pursuit of a Dark Revan, a child of the Force is sent out to heal it. The story began a bit slowly, and gave me the idea that the Force is not only alive but sentient as well. An intriguing thought Pick of the Week Reminisce DarthCollin44 PreTSL: What if you didn’t have to add a character? The piece was well done, getting into Atton’s head very well. The premise was one I had considered myself. What if you could decide not to add a character? In a lot of cases (Jolee on Kashyyk or Mira on Nar Shaddaa for example) you know their lives will just go on. But Atton is in a situation where he’s going die when the planet goes. Redemption Revan Sama TSL on Malachor V: No one is beyond redemption. The piece was so short I found myself trying to find the rest. It was well written and considered. My Sin and My love Revan Sama During TSL, no specific time given: Kreia’s thought on her padawan are more than you might think. It was an interesting take on the relationship between Kreia and the Exile. The Death of the Force AkroOrka TSL on Dantooine: What if it was all a sham? I enjoyed this take, as another reviewer commented, because the scene between the Masters and Exile was too pat. No real discussion, just ‘we’re right, you’re wrong’. The idea as well that Kreia was training the Exile because she knew Revan needed help was even better. Accepting her role as villainess was perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Journey to Paris Astor Kaine Non SW: Continuation of In Pursuit of Glory; The hero is assigned an important mission, betrayal. The characters are well portrayed, the bullying officer perfectly created and overturned. As always, historically correct. Pick of the Week Thanks for the review, Mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Old Friends, New Allies Tysyacha NonSW: Chapter seven of Tret'ye Srazhenie, Into the lion’s den? The story is flowing well, the sense of walking into a lion’s den unaware very well portrayed for those who read the previous series. Mass Effect II: Reaping: Peter's Perfect Plan Tysyacha NonSW: Chapter 6 of Reaping; a possible threat is revealed. The first part dragged a bit, mainly I think because of the PG13 rating of the site. I’m mentally working on two different things as you all know, and one of them will have the same problem in a few chapters. But it’s going well. Untitled fantasy Jae Onasi NonSW: A battle and heroic death As others said, the work is clearly good, though so far we have seen, there isn’t much plot yet. Of course saying the work is good is like saying the sun will rise, you always do good work. Pick of the Week Revan's Revenge Lord Of Destruction PreKOTOR: The Birth of Revan, and his destiny foreshadowed. All of the negatives that can be said so far have already been voiced. Beyond that there is not enough to get a feel for proper critiques. Welcome to the forum The Crimson Tide Admiral Thrawn No specific universe given: A tide of red drives them mad… The work is relatively good, the complaints already voiced echoed. There was no real feel for the characters, but that is because they are almost puppets. This is an editing problem, since the reader has to feel something for the character, whether good bad or neutral in the scheme. Even the one viewing was two dimensional. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Mock-Heroic Koon KOTOR Beginning: The start of the game, with a twist I agreed with others that your keeping Trask alive was a good idea. His death was merely a way to cut the main character off from others. I liked the characterization of the Main character, primarily because she is merely a shadow in the game unless you personalize her yourself. What is Right: Chapter 1 Alrin Jast PostTSL: A visit of hope ends… The piece is interesting in the interplay. Like anyone who has betrayed a trust, Atris must first forgive herself, as the Exile in the piece must mourn her dead and move on. Very well done. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Exile Worth Cellotix PreKOTOR: How much must be given up for victory? The piece is cold and heartless, and worth reading all the way through. Pick of the Week Lies Revan Sama Post TSL: The final meeting between Revan and the Exile The piece was interesting but too short for my tastes. Heartless Rainpool TSL Aboard Ravager: The title says it all. I spent several minutes after reading this wondering at the evil in men’s hearts. I have never played the game from the evil side, but this was just too good. If they ever make a version compatible with Vista, I’m definitely going to prowl the dark side at least once. Pick of the week. The Third Order: Chapter 1 Daimonoth There’s a few places where you left out words. Nothing major, I have the same problem when the idea is flowing hot and heavy. The story itself was perfect. A logical path from start to finish. Another time I wish I could read everything. Pick of the Week Vode An, 1 Darthjuma PreTSL: On Kashyyk a Mandalorian chieftain tells the young girl Mira why he saved her. The piece is smooth, flowing easily from scene to scene. A pity I don’t have time to read it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Reflections Chevron 7 Locke Before ANH: Old enemies meet, and perhaps can be friends All of the commentary by others is cogent, especially DY’s comments about how Ventress might be a bit anxious seeing him again. I just wish you’d read Dark Rendevous, because her arguments for dark against light were not based on gain. I really wanted to see more. Pick of the Week So Much Death LordOfTheFish No specific era given: A sacrifice goes awry. Problem with homonyms. I understand trying to hurry to get it written but a little proofreading goes a long way. The basics are good, though we could have used a bit more explanation. Lure and Conquer Darth Betrayal PostKOTOR, though time passed not specified) Revan remembers the past As LOTF said, it’s really too short to get a good feel for. Let’s see more. Silence Bee Hoon During the period of KOTOR and TSL: What is so attractive about the Dark Side? The piece flows, giving us a unique view of why the dark side is a good idea. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Mind, Body, and Soul Tysyacha Post TSL: Chapter 8 of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The travelers are sent after others, but for those of us who know… The story is flowing well, and some good descriptions and style are just icing on the cake. Pick of the Week Mass Effect II: Reaping: Nervous on Noveria Tysyacha NonSW fiction: Chapter 7 of Reaping; The corporations have a secret. What is it? The story is flowing well, Tys. The growth of the characters is interesting. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Nexus PrincessJaden KOTOR on the Unknown world: Everyone scrambles to repair the ship and discover what is happening on this strange world. Nothing major to ding you on, the biggest problem for me was that it was just a generic retelling of the scenes. Technical note: Having the natives armed with vibroblades is odd. As an example, from the 18th century on, most natives, unless working as Sepoy troops had little or no understanding of the weapons they were issued. A writer commenting on 19th to early 20th century Africa commented that the natives in the bush tended to fire a rifle until they ran out of ammunition, then threw them away and picked up another when they could. Unlike a knife spear or arrow, the required technology to manufacture ammunition or supply power is nonexistent. All of the weapons that might have arrived, vibro-blades, light sabers, projectile and especially blasters have a finite amount of ammunition or power, and would run out. At that point they become either unwieldy clubs. Light Side Female Exile Pazaak PrincessJaden TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why does Atton play pazaak in his head? No major problems. You could edit and polish a bit but I would say that to Earnest Hemingway. While a basic generic retelling of the scene the use of Atton’s viewpoint instead of the Exile’s tilted it enough that it was no longer the same old story. Dark Side Male Exile Dawn of the Meta: Abnutzungskrieg - Prologue Reznor’sGhost Ten years after Malachor V: The Exile explains his actions to an unnamed chronicler. The piece is stark and cold from the start, and so well done I wish I had time to go back and read every chapter as it is posted. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan Shattered Knight, Chapter 1: An End to All Council Tim Radley PostKOTOR: What punishment will Revan suffer for his actions? And who hunts him now? The story dragged a bit at the start. I could understand Revan’s view of the situation, and expected it would continue. Silly me. Once the action started, it didn’t stop, and I was dragged willingly along for a thrill ride. This is one of the stories I wish I could read from end to end. Pick of the Week The Revenant Saga, Chapter 1 - The Descent. Vyperhand KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with Bastila’s loss The piece was excellent. Bastila admitting even by one remove, that she loved him, Carth not the heartless monster that forgot all the good and focuses on the past. Even the music. Pick of the Week Solitary, Chapter One Phoenix Dfire After KOTOR, no specific period given: Carth brings what might be bad news. The intro was a bit too short for me. But using HK47 as a training aid, having a cook who sounds like he’s serving dishwater, very good. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thanks for the review and the pick of the week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I second that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thanks, again Mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The End of an Era LordMcGuffin KOTOR on Tatooine: A Mando considers this present plight. There isn’t much, but what I see needs work. First, remember; reread, edit, rewrite. Second, everything is one long paragraph that by my estimate, should be three. The basics are good but as I said, there’s not a lot to go with so far. Welcome to the Forum. The Dantooine Mission Alkonium 90 years after ANH: A Jedi is betrayed Remember conversation breaks. Otherwise the reader isn’t sure who is talking. Pacing is important too, you mentioned (Warning the reader unnecessarily) that the transmitter would not work. However what about the ship? My question is addressed below: Technical note: Military operation have their own rhyme and reason because there are procedures set in stone in any military organization. First, a commander would not go down alone or without clear commo protocols without specifying it to his subordinates, something we did not see. Second, in a possible hostile environment, such as a reinforcement mission, there would be time periods for communication, and in such a situation, jamming would be considered. If you had not heard from the advance party within X amount of time (And three hours is far too long) someone aboard would have gone to plan B, which if I were that officer, would have been a landing assuming the advance party was already captive, I.E., assault landing assuming a hostile force rather than an administrative landing (One assuming all forces below to be friends). That’s the advantage of studying military history for almost 46 years, kid. Yes, I agree with the commander; more. Point of View Chevron 7 Locke NonSW set in Naruto Universe: Death reveals many secrets. The basics are good C7L. My biggest problem is I never got into Naruto, so it was a bit confusing. I liked the Kitsune effect, though never thought the gentle tricksters were governed by anger. Answers Adavardes No specific era given: A fateful meeting must end in death Jae has already given you a thorough critique much better than I would have, so I will merely address the overall work. The basics are good, and as much as I lambaste people about not having a reason for going to the dark side, this is a perfect example of what I mean. The character obviously made a decision as a young man, and bad or good lived with it. But at the same time, he stayed true to what he believed, which fits neither the Sith nor the Jedi. Tret'ye Srazhenie: An Echani Obsessed Tysyacha Post TSL: Chapter nine of Tret'ye Srazhenie, The team arrives on Corellia The story is flowing well, and the background from another point of view is interesting. I am enjoying reading this, Tys. Pick of the Week Mass Effect II: Reaping: Peak 13--What a Shock! Tysyacha NonSW fiction: Chapter eight of Reaping, the investigation begins, but immediately runs into trouble. The interplay between the characters was good, the description of the vehicle well done. However why didn’t they bring artic survival gear? Keep it going. kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Revan KoTOR Bits, Chapter 1: Tatooine Mila KOTOR on Tatooine: The holocron is found, and returned, while Revan tries to deepen the relationship between him and Bastila. The main problem, using quotation marks only occasionally, and conversation breaks has been addressed. The story is well done, filling out the scenes, though I missed the fight. A Warm Reception Sebastian DeLaOsa Post KOTOR: At the wedding reception for Bastila and Revan, Canderous has some fun. The piece was light, fluffy, and outrageous. Expecting Canderous to say please to get a cigar was choice, and the way they were lit was even funnier. Having been through this from both ends, I understood Canderous’ sarcastic comment near the start, and his sarcastic toast at the end even more. Pick of the Week A Friendly Wager Sebastian DeLaOsa KOTOR after the destruction of the Star Forge: Three unlikely people settle a bet. Like the previous work, this one was cute and fun to read. I agreed with Shadowplay about Mission stories and antics. I’m just sorry I didn’t start with this segment of the forum back in 2006. Pick of the Week Palisade of Broken Dreams, Chapter 1 LightSeeker KOTOR on Lehon: Revan now has to decide what to do with his life. The deep thoughts of Revan intermixed with the argument between Jolee and HK was well done. The comments from both humans when HK tried to cheer them up was perfectly in character. Revenant: Chapter One: Open Wounds Hobnob Rev KOTOR on Lehon: Both Revan and Bastila wonder if they are worth saving… The in depth brooding of both Revan and Bastila struck a cord in me. The problem with the game is that it’s over, they won, they’re heroes, that’s it. But the author drags us back into real life. Hero or not will Revan be accepted by the Galaxy? Can Bastila be accepted if an emotion is why she returned? This is one of those works I wish I had time to read completely. Pick of the Week Redemption Wraithfighter Post TSL: Revan and the Exile meet in combat It’s been a long time; Aug 2007 to be precise since I have reviewed Wraithfighter’s work. This piece is excellent. I enjoyed the comment by Revan at the end because it puts everything he had done before and since into a perspective we can all understand and appreciate. It’s been a long time, and you didn’t get the nod then, WF, but you did with this one; Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 About doing more, I won't be adding to The Dantooine Mission, but I'll probably be making more set in my RP Series' Alternate Timeline, and possibly attempting to persuade JediMaster12 to write something involving her characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 awesome. I didn't even know this existed. AND I received PotW without even knowing it. lol Thanks for the reviews Mach, can't wait for a review of my next story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 This week I’m going to address something that bothers all of us who do write here. That is silence from our readers. I know there is no rule that you have to post a comment, but anything, even a ‘read’ which is what I post on those reviewed in bygone days would do for some of us though ‘read and liked’ or ‘read and hated it’ would be better. There are three authors this week, all of whom I considered pick of the week that have had this problem, and considering how good that work was, I was appalled. All right, I’m done venting. Coruscant Entertainment Center A Lost Journal Kyvios No specific period given: A series of tests proves what our hero is made of. A minor problem with homonyms, should be faze(affect) instead of phase (change). As others have commented the work is interesting and flowing well. Very interesting. Pick of the Week Returning Home Chevron 7 Locke Post TSL: Revan and the Exile return, and some old friends meet. I had to agree with Mr BFA, Chev; It was good. Unlike him I was looking for errors, but saw nothing major. The story is going well, and I hope to see more. Pick of the Week The Value of Cheating Adavardes Clone War Era: A pair of Jedi investigate of all things, a card game The biggest problem I noticed was while you have a good grasp of description, you tend to make overlong sentences. For example; ‘Indeed, the environment was so comfortable to those of a less than honorable nature, that few would question or even notice the two cloaked figures drifting slowly out of the rain, moving to an inconspicuous seat near the stage where a pink-skinned Twi’lek woman with a tantalizing figure, and the facial features to match, danced provocatively for the eager males surrounding her, staring up at her with awe and lust’ had me wondering if I should concentrate on curves or suspicious characters. A minor point; predatory species that would later evolve into sentience would not consider a smile a greeting. As many writers have pointed out, a canine or feline predator would define a show of teeth as a threat. Reptilian ones with teeth would likely also consider a show of teeth as aggressive. Technical: Transdosian should be Trandoshan That being said, I liked the master your created, and as much as others commented it was un-Jedi to allow such a crime, I think it would fit in better because the law must have consideration of intent. He reminded me of Sherlock Holmes patiently explaining to Watson how he deduced something from simple clues that had been ignored by others. Pick of the Week Initiation Kado Sunrider No era given: A Jedi mediates, and finds a new Jedi Prospect Some convoluted sentences As an example this one; ‘Three weeks ago, the Jedi council had recieved word of a dispute between two dens of issues that needed a mediator, the smaller of the dens had requested a Jedi mediator, as a member of one of the other dens may be biased against one group or the other’ would have looked better like this: ‘Three weeks ago the Jedi council had recieved word of a dispute between two dens that needed a mediator. The smaller of the dens had requested a Jedi mediator as some members of one of the other den were biased.’ When editing I trimmed it for esthetics. First, every dispute has more than one reason behind it, and mentioning bias while necessary, the reason for that bias would be found in the course of mediation. That being said, I wish all of those lurkers would say something. 36 hits without even a comment is average for this site, and it irritates me as much as it does this author. The style is neat and crisp, the basics are excellent, needing only application of my standard mantra, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. So maybe I’ll get you off your posteriors; Pick of the Week The Rise of Prussia Admiral Thrawn Historical fiction: Prussia begins it’s rise. The work needs to be edited to polish it up. As an example, the sentence ‘in which many merchant's sailed to for the fortune of a lifetime‘ would have read better as ‘to which many merchant's sailed for the fortune of a lifetime’. My primary complaint is regarding the main character who is no more than a distant narrative voice. His rank and position is not given, his promotion not logical considering the times, which is addressed below: Technical: Up until the very early 19th Century, the only western armies that had direct merit ‘battlefield commissions’ was the US Army and the French under Napoleon. Most officer of European armies still had commissions they bought and sold like stocks, where your lineage was more important than your capability. The only rank you could not buy was General, which was a direct commission given by the crown. However there was even a catch to this. If you accepted a General’s rank, your colonel’s commission became a possession of the crown rather than yourself, something a junior level bureaucrat could sell. Many officers before the Crimea even resigned rather than give up that money. By the mid 19th century this was changing, and England went to the strange ends of literally buying all of those commissions from their officers so that by the dawn of the 20th century, they now belonged not to the officers, but to the government. Badfic: Knuckles (Find the Mistakes!!!) Tysyacha Set in the wrong time: Darth Vader sends out an assassin. Tys it was funny, I’ll admit. As for the contest, consider this; When I was working on Family of Choice, you were the first to voice the threat that you would misspell every word, echoed by Endorenna. So I’ll pass. Light Side Female Exile kotorfanmedia Insomnia Bluestar705 TSL Enroute to Korriban: Three weeks after Atton’s revelation, perhaps they can heal the rift. The only negative I can find were already addressed by Cellotlix and PrincessJaden. The distance forced by the revelation needs closing, and while you hurried it and slightly bent Atton’s character in the process, I did enjoy it. Light Side Male Revan On Ice's Edge Rawtooth Post KOTOR: Carth bares his heart to the one he loves. This is an rare one primarily because of the pairing. It is one of the possibilities I will admit, and a lot of fun because I had yet to see it specifically. I had to agree with others though. We need to see more to be sure it would work. Pick of the Week One Last Time Sebastian DeLaOsa 35 years after KOTOR: Bastila and Revan say goodbye. I had to think before writing this review, primarily because it was a bit of a surprise. I decided not to wax lyrical. The angst was well done, the farewell perfect. I enjoyed the last paragraph, it was the perfect counterpoint. Pick of the week. The Prodigal Knight: Prologue Twilightman A year after KOTOR on Korriban: Another dark lord rises The piece flows well, giving us a link between KOTOR and the events happening. The newest bad guy is as bad as you might want A pity no one commented on it since the initial post back in 2005. If you’re still out there, I hope this makes you feel better. Pick of the Week Connections JediQB KOTOR on Kashyyk: Bastila reveals more of her emotions than you might believe; without saying a word. The piece has been praised so much the only thing I can think to add at this late date is this: Pick of the Week Prelude: Fractures Aaron Lightblade Four years after KOTOR: Bastila is gone, but not… The piece is excellent! But here again is an author who hasn’t got comments about his work. Cut us some slack people! Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Awesome. I'll definitely fix that sentence. If you noticed anything glaringly obvious, drop me a message. Do you mind if I copy/paste that right into the story? EDIT: I also edited the story post to state the time, 29 years BBY. EDIT2: BTW, I agree with your statement on commenting more. Lately I've been bumping up threads that have started to drop off, and the author is posting chapters back to back. No feedback. Namely, Darth_Yuthura's SiD fic, which is amazingly well written and in first person which makes it quite unique. Little shoutouts like this get the word around about stories that otherwise might go unnoticed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knight 12167 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Comments are non-exsistent in my stories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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