Kain Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Its that time of year again and I've come to reveal some disturbing information about this 'Merry' time of year. Please note that this may be entirely offensive to some people. If you're one of those people I only offer this message as solice: GET A SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HUMORLESS BASTARDS!!! Now then on to business. I am here to present certain things I have found to be evil about Christmas. #1: The fat man, Santa Clause. Lets look at his name. Santa. Santa. Santa. Looks like a misspelling of SATAN!! Satan = Santa. Its easy to overlook in the hustle and bustle of the season, but lets face it: Greed is a mortal sin and Santa(Satan) bring it out en masse across the globe! And his last name: Clause? Or how about CLAWS! Satan's Claws, anyone? The clutches of the Devil are hard to break free from. #2: More about the fat man. Speaking of mortal sins, lets not forget that Santa is a glutton and a sloth. He's fat and eats cookies year round while NOT working. He has elves doing his work and his work ethic is the imptomie of slothness. #3: Speaking of elves, how much do you think they get paid? Are they a union? NO!! They're ****ing slaves working for the machinations of Satan Claws. He slaves them into working year round and those that speak out are handled with libotamies or are never heard from AGAIN! Slavehood is wrong people! Not only is Santa(Satan) a glutton, a sloth, and greedy, but he drives slaves to the brink of death every year! #4: The reindeer. Those precious flying deer of Satan's army. Rudolph's nose so bright, guides his sleigh at night...his nose so bright with the CRIMSON FLAMES OF HELL! No deer I've ever seen is either capable of flight nor is it aerodynamic enough to even get more than several feet of distance on a bound. Those antlers might as well be kites when it comes to traveling. They're beaten on Christmas night to fly all around the world in a single trip with hardly a break. Thats animal cruelty and if these reindeer weren't so clearly demonic in nature, Satan would have been arrested and beaten to death in jail centuries ago. #5: Snowmen. The evil footsoldiers of Santa(Satan's) army. With their dead black eyes, their black teeth, and wicked wooden claws, these monstrosities carry out more acts of evil than Hitler in his prime. And top hats?! Who wears top hats? Villans! Dracula wears a top hat. Those evil ****s in the old black and white movies wore top hats! Let us not forget that snowmen are also gluttons, packing themselves until they nearly explode with snow. And slothful as well, standing still until the light from the sun banishes their evil spirits back to Hell! With these startling facts in hand, I hope you have happy holidays. But beware, for few ever escape the holiday season unscated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 How... cheerful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archon II Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Umm... that sounds, nice. But don't worry. We have HK-47 to protect us from those pesky snow people. See... Proof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHawke Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Kain you forgot this one... Old Nick is another name for Satan and Saint Nick is another name for Santa... coincidence? I think Not! Beware all ye' who hear a HO, HO, HO Cristmas Eve! Muahahahahaha! EDIT: To below post... ROFL @ Astro! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 yeah, santa is a dodgy mofo : *he 'comes' only once a year and has big sacks *knows when little kids are sleeping and awake, so he can break into their house = pedophiles do that too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ztalker Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 This might be a shock to you: He doesn't exist! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 If I had a penny for every time someone thought someone good was really Satan, I'd be richer than Bill Gates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aash Li Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Language Lessons time! I know youre just joking, but for those of you who dont know this... Santa is German for Saint. Claus is a German nickname of Nicholaus (Nickolas). Saint Nick, was a German toymaker back around the 1100s I think. I dont remember why he was sainted though. Cute post though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pokejedi123 Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Language Lessons time! I know youre just joking, but for those of you who dont know this... Santa is German for Saint. Claus is a German nickname of Nicholaus (Nickolas). Saint Nick, was a German toymaker back around the 1100s I think. I dont remember why he was sainted though. Cute post though agreed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Saint Nick, was a German toymaker back around the 1100s I think. I dont remember why he was sainted though. I heard that Santa was some guy who broke into poor girl's houses and gave them gold so that some greedy, shallow rich guys would want to marry them. @Kain: Can't find a good therapist in the holidays can you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 What about how children are forced to give him milk and cookies? Not to mention how he forces children across the world to conform to his notions of good and evil. And if they do not bow down to his beliefs, he gives them coal. What type of a person (other than me) would do a thing like that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 This might be a shock to you: He doesn't exist! If I had a penny for every time someone thought someone good was really Satan, I'd be richer than Bill Gates. Thanks for the warnings Kain, sometimes I forget how evil Santa really is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 How could anyone be offended by this? It's hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clefo Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Beta 95? Jesus Moe, how does that thing not crash on you every fifteen seconds? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renegade Angel Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 This might be a shock to you: He doesn't exist! We know, just some holiday humor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
REDJOHNNYMIKE Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Thanks to this new evidence, I can finally retake Christmass...MY WAY!!! I just need a posse, I'm sure my veteran pall "the Hebrew Hammer" will join. We will destroy his cookie snacking northern bunker of slothfulness, we shall free the army of oppressed elves (who will then find work in entertainment), we will shoot that vile rudolph from the skies with catapults and really big snowballs, and we shall wage epic war against the snowman hordes...WHO'S WITH ME!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 I just need a posse, I'm sure my veteran pall "the Hebrew Hammer" will join. We will destroy his cookie snacking northern bunker of slothfulness, we shall free the army of oppressed elves (who will then find work in entertainment), we will shoot that vile rudolph from the skies with catapults and really big snowballs, and we shall wage epic war against the snowman hordes...WHO'S WITH ME!!! A good idea, but it could use some improvement... once Santa Claus is dead, I'll replace him and personally oversee toy production. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth333 Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Santa says this thread has gone out of hands and it's time to close it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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