Jae Onasi Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Well, I badly needed a good laugh today, and this was linked in another forum I visit: The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches (also available in German, French, Russian, and Spanish). One of my favorites is #22, The MacGyver rule (not the least of which is due to the fact that I loved the TV show MacGyver): Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to the prosaic guns, clubs, or swords. Given appropriate skills, you can cut a bloody swath across the continent using gloves, combs, umbrellas, megaphones, dictionaries, sketching tablets -- you name it, you can kill with it. Even better, no matter how surreal your choice of armament, every store you pass will just happen to stock an even better model of it for a very reasonable price. Who else is running around the world killing people with an umbrella? The only thing they forgot there was duct tape and a pocket knife, and then they'd be all set. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 The only thing they forgot there was duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, and then they'd be all set. Edited for clarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCarter426 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 These are great! And I'm starting to see some eerie similarities... You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members: * The spunky princess who is rebelling against her royal parent and is in love with the hero. (Bastila, Brianna) * The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race. (Visas) * The tough-as-nails female warrior who is not in love with the hero (note that this is the only female character in the game who is not in love with the hero and will therefore be indicated as such by having a spectacular scar, a missing eye, cyborg limbs or some other physical deformity -- see The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Rule.) (Juhani) * The achingly beautiful gothy swordsman who is riven by inner tragedy. (Bao-Dur, and Brianna again) * The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy. (Canderous, Atton) * The hero's best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero. (HK-47, Jolee, and Bao-Dur again) * The grim, selfish mercenary who over the course of the game learns what it means to really care about other people. (Canderous again) * The character who is actually a spy for the bad guys but will instantly switch to your side when you find out about it. (Visas, Mical, and Brianna again) * The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.) (HK again, in both games...but everyone uses him because he's HK, so I guess it's the exception that proves the rule ) * The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles. (Mission, T3 in K1, Remote) Did I mention ":D"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gurges-Ahter Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Wow - those are spot on! I didn't use HK though, so that one does fit me perfectly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Choice picks: The Higher The Hair, The Closer To God (Cloud Rule) The more outrageous his hairstyle, the more important a male character is to the story. Garrett's Principle Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores. Bed Bed Bed A good night's sleep will cure all wounds, diseases, and disabilities, up to and including death in battle. # We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To, Well, You Know The Rest (Selene Rule) No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any other massive controlling authority for help. They'll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the ground. # Zidane's Curse (or, Dirty Pair Rule) An unlucky condition in which every major city in the game will coincidentally wind up being destroyed just after the hero arrives. c. Any female character who is ugly, malformed, mishapen, or physically disfigured is evil, since all good female characters are there to be potentially seduced by the male lead -- see Know Your Audience. Lololol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ztalker Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Woah...if you look at this stuff, it seems almost every RPG is the same The first two rules just blatantly shoutet 'FABLE!' The Compulsories There's always a fire dungeon, an ice dungeon, a sewer maze, a misty forest, a derelict ghost ship, a mine, a glowing crystal maze, an ancient temple full of traps, a magic floating castle, and a technological dungeon. -Telos, Taris sewer system, Dxun, The Ravager, Paragus, Crystal Caves/Korrivan, the Korriban temples/Onderon...it's all there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patient_zero Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 97. Three Females Rule There will always be either one or three female characters in the hero's party, no matter how many male characters there are. Bastila, Mission, Juhani... 99. Law of Reverse Evolution (Zeboim Principle) Any ancient civilizations are inexplicably much more advanced than the current one. Hello Rakata... 182. Compression of Time As you approach the final confrontation with the villain, events will become increasingly awkward, contrived and disconnected from one another -- almost as if some cosmic Author was running up against a deadline and had to slap together the ending at the last minute. I'm looking at you, TSL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mur'phon Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Non-used good to better. 183 Adam Smith's Revenge By the end of the game you are renowned everywhere as the Legendary Heroes, every surviving government and authority figure has rallied behind you, the fate of the world is obviously hanging in the balance, and out of nowhere random passers-by give you a pat on the back and heartfelt good luck wishes. However, shopkeepers won't even give you a discount, much less free supplies for the final battle with evil. 26 Local Control Rule Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster. 102 Perversity Principle If you're unsure about what to do next, ask all the townspeople nearby. They will either all strongly urge you to do something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing, or else they will all strongly warn you against doing something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing. 18 Crono's Complaint The less the main character talks, the more words are put into his mouth, and therefore the more trouble he gets into through no fault of his own. 129 Second Law of Fashion Any character's costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King 186 Apocalypse Any Time Now The best time to do side quests is while the huge meteor hovers in the sky above the planet, waiting to fall and destroy the world. 189 Moral of the story Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Choice picks: Garrett's Principle Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores. Sounds like the Kender in the Dragonlance books/games. Tasselhoff Burrfoot was just like that! 129 Second Law of Fashion Any character's costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King So true! Once, just for kicks, I used a cheat code to fully increase my dexterity and then played entirely through KOTOR in my underwear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ctrl Alt Del Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 20. Just Nod Your Head And Smile And no matter how big that big-ass sword is, you won't stand out in a crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang bursts into their house during dinner, rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they've seen a black-caped man. People can get used to anything, apparently. 41. George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three. 43. Midgar Principle The capital of the evil empire is always divided into two sections: a lower city slum filled with slaves and supporters of the rebellion, and an upper city filled with loyal fanatics and corrupt aristocrats. I always thought Taris looked too much alike Midgar. 133.Last Rule of Politics Kingdoms are good. Empires are evil. 153."Mommy, why didn't they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris?" Don't expect battle mechanics to carry over into the "real world." 156.Sephiroth Memorial Escape Clause Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgiveable if you're cool enough. Hence why no one likes Malak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serpentine Cougar Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 The link said something about spoilers, but didn't mention which games. Could someone tell me which games get spoiled before I read it? I'm paranoid.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCarter426 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hence why no one likes Malak. He's not cool enough. Oh, and could someone remind me how many towns Taris and Telos have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcesious Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Wow, lol. That was interestingly funny... No duh: 179: The Best-Laid Schemes The final villain's grand scheme will have involved the deaths of thousands or even millions of innocent people, the clever manipulation of governments, armies, and entire populations, and will have taken anywhere from five to five thousand years to come to fruition. The hero will come up with a method of undoing this plan forever in less than five minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyuuKage Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 my god, could you imagine a game that followed all these rules to the letter? that would be hilariously awesome! XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Haven't read them all but from what i've read, pure gold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Construct Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hey, RyuuKage, TSL pretty much does it. lol. That's awesomely funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ctrl Alt Del Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Oh, and could someone remind me how many towns Taris and Telos have? Poethic license aside, I think the Lower and Undercity as well as Telos surface can be considered different "towns". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCarter426 Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Poethic license aside, I think the Lower and Undercity as well as Telos surface can be considered different "towns". Yeah, I know. And the Telos polar regions too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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