Telemarketers

[Emperor Devon]

My nemesis and I got into a discussion about what to do with telephone salesmen, and it was just too funny not to start a thread over. Without further ado, here are the ones from Jae:

 

Let's see....favorite techniques for dealing with sales people on the phone....

1. Anything from Delia Ephron's "How to Eat Like a Child and Other Lessons in Not Being Grown Up"

2. Clear my throat and try to speak like a man with a really cheezy French accent (hard to achieve--I can do the cheeze, but I'm a soprano so I can only talk so deep). Think Pepe Le Pew. Script: 'Allo my darleeeeng, I've beeen waiteeeng fohr you call....

3. Are you cute, and are you available?

4. (A perenniel Wisconsin favorite) Does that come with cheese?

5. Landscaping service? Yes, I'm interested... How much for a 30x40 lawn? With weed control? And bedding for flowers? What about fertilizer? And edging? Do you pick up after dogs? Well, that's a terrific price....

Well gosh, no, I live in an apartment, but thanks for all the info anyway. OR: And does your service area include Mars? OR: No, thanks, I belong to the 'Save the Crabgrass Foundation'.

6. Bubba and I already gave at the penitentiary.

7. Does your mama know you're selling this?

8. *totally fluffy blond chick voice* (giggles) Oh! You have such a cute voice. I like you. I think I'll buy 50 of those electrica whatchamhoosit's. Will they fit on my credit card? My credit card company says I have to ask if it'll fit on my credit card. You don't know? Well, my credit card is about 2 inches high and 4 inches wide. Does that help?

9. ...uh-huh, uh-huh, sounds good. Can you get that to me in black and blood red? I'm having a ritual sacrifice on Friday and it'll look great next to the katana.

10. Really? I"m a winner? Oh, I haven't been a winner since they told me I'd won a free pass to Hotel Asylum. It was fabulous. Nice little sandy sandbox, lots of little drinks, a very comfortable bedroom with thick cushions everywhere including the walls, a lovely white jacket--though the sleeves need to be taken up a bit--and those 'little blue pills' every night after dinner. You'd feel right at home there.

 

My techniques are a little more obnoxious. I like to ask for an extremely long explanation of the product (think a half hour or more) and then say I don't accept telemarketers. Or better yet turn on ESB and switch to where Luke starts screaming "NO!! NOOO!!!"

 

Another good thing is to ask what it they're selling. Once you find that out, ask if they want to buy it. If they act confused, shout loudly and force them to buy it.

 

Pretend to be two people in the middle of a violent argument. End it with one person getting a knife through the chest, and scream for a medic.

 

Start bellowing "YES!!! YES!!! OH MY GOD, YES!!!" when they ask if you're interested. Repeat this whenever they say something.

 

Say you're busy cutting yourself, and to tell the kids that you loved them.

 

Change the topic to anything you can think of. Scream violently if they protest. Dominate the entire conversation, and create a loud noise if they try to do anything otherwise.

 

Lick your lips and talk about how wonderful last night was. Talk over them if they act confused, and ask if they could wear the lion tamer's outfit tonight.

 

Turn on the shower, and start screaming. Add electric sound effects, no matter how unrealstic.

 

Start crying. Wail and moan as if experiencing a great loss. Adding extra sound effects helps, and start talking about how this phone call has ruined everything.

 

Talk with your mouth full, or pretend to. Start making choking noises.

 

Cackle insanely. Tell them everything is falling into place, and that Lord Cronal is most pleased. Ask if they would like to rule at your side.

 

Do a Gollum/Smeagol impression.

 

Pretend to be schizophranic. Wail about how "the voices" are growing louder and won't leave you alone.

 

Say you'll buy ten thousand of what's being sold if they do a one-man opera.

 

Think about something funny, and start laughing. Laugh as if there's no tomorrow, and keep doing it when you run out of breath. When asked about what's so funny, laugh all the louder.

 

Pretend you have captives, and say you're willing to negotiate. Start a torture session if refused.

 

Lastly, if you can't think of anything, just start screaming as loudly as possible. Or if you're boring, just say "I don't accept telemarketers".

 

Wow, I got carried away. So what does everyone else here do when telemarketers call?

 

(This thread can be blamed upon indecent hours of sleep, by the way. )

[RC-1162]

why go through all that? just say "f you b****" and cut the phone

 

but i love your first method

[Jeff]

From an episode of Seinfed: (don't remember the exact quote but this is the jist of it)

 

"Sorry, I'm a little busy now, could you give me your home number and I'll get back with you? Oh, you don't like it when people call your home to bother you? Thank you very much."

 

[milo]

Ask them if they know how to get bloodstains out of the carpet.

[Darth333]

I have two techniques.

 

no. 1 answer: I just answer to them in Spanish and feing that I don't understand a damn word of what they're saying. Usually works very well and they hand up within seconds.

 

no. 2 answer: well my hourly rate is $xxx.00/hour and I can't afford to loose time. Give me a phone number where I can call you back. Afterwards I'll send you the bill. That's the funniest one. They just don't know what to answer when I use that one.

[Totenkopf]

Usually, with caller id, I don't bother answering the phone if I don't recognize the #. Besides, if they won't leave a msg on the machine, how important was it anyway?

[RC-1162]

id scream "BEHIND YOU!" and cut the phone.

or even, fire up AotC and play it to the part where Ani goes all sentimental to padme in front of the fire on Naboo

 

or if you totally wanna gross him out, burp as loud as you can into the phone . i did it to my friend once when he wouldnt shut up and the reaction just had me rolling

[igyman]

I guess I'm lucky, because telemarketing is still in its infant stages where I live, meaning that so far I only got one call from a telemarketer, well, technically my dad got the call, because he answered it and politely explained to the man the he isn't interested, which is probably what I would have done, unless the person on the other and doesn't become too insistant, then I'd be a little rougher, like: ''I'm not interested! Goodbye!!'' followed by hanging up the phone.

[Negative Sun]

"Hello may I speak to Mrs X?"

-"What's it about?"

"We have an offer about..."

-"*sob* THAT'S NOT FUNNY YOU KNOW SHE'S DEAD YOU SICK F***!!!"

 

Love that one hehe, otherwise I just hang up...

[Hallucination]

Ask them if they know how to get bloodstains out of the carpet.

I was going to say that one...

 

One thing I was thinking about trying out was saying 'Hello' like a statement, and when they say 'I'm calling to tell you about X' pretend you're an answering machine, like so:

You've reached the Y residence. I can actually make it to the phone right now, but I'm screening my calls 'cause there's someone I want to avoid. Leave your name and number and if I don't call back, it's you.

or

You've reached Y. Before you leave a message I've got a question for you. Are you tired of those incredibly long, boring, and tedious answering machine messages? The ones that seem redundant or like the person making them loves the sound of their own voice? Well, so am I, and that is why I promise you, my dear caller, that I will be working day and night, 24/7, 12 months a year, even on holidays like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Decemberween, Winter-een-mas, Rememberance Day and all others you can think of, to make sure that no longer will you have to suffer for five minutes to make one simple message. From now to the end of time, I shall make it my life's purpose to make sure you, and anyone else who uses a phone, can leave a message without having to wait for ages. Please leave a message after the beep.

[Commander Obi-Wan]

I'll just use Jim Rome's manual buzzer, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

 

Hell, they may think I'm crazy, but I helps keeping them away. Or at least gives them a earache.

[Jae Onasi]

Start bellowing "YES!!! YES!!! OH MY GOD, YES!!!" when they ask if you're interested. Repeat this whenever they say something.

 

Um, I'll buy whatever it is he's got there....

 

Another few:

 

1. Spill a cup of water into the sink. If you're a girl: "OMG! My water just broke! Can you call my doctor for me?" If you're a guy: "OMG! My wife's water just broke! Can you help me find my car keys?"

 

2. "I'll buy it if you can guarantee the Cubs will win the World Series this year....No, no, you have to call me back _after_ they win, not before."

 

3. "You sound just like the Martian who called me last night. No, he didn't use this phone. He called me through the special wire he implanted in my head. I can give you that number if you'd like. Are you sure you're not the Martian calling on my home line? How did you get this number? The government's spying on me, aren't they? You can't do this to me, you know! I have human rights!! I'm a member of Earth!! No alien is going to take my rights!!"

 

4. "I told you never to call here again! My husband will be very jealous and he just might dial you to death."

 

5. "I only accept telemarketer calls between 1:07 and 1:09....No, am, not pm....It's illegal to call then? Who made that stupid law? They're suppressing free enterprise!"

 

6. (Play sound of crashing cars) "Oh, no!!! A car just crashed in front of me!!! Do you have the number for 911?"

 

7. "Hey, I have another telemarketer on the the other line. Let me put the phones together and you can sell to each other."

 

8. "Does that come with any free gifts?....You know, incentives....Toaster? Naw, got one of those. How about some weed?....Ice? Meth?....You people have no imagination, limiting it to just legal stuff. How about leather?....Whips? Chains?....Come on, not even any marriage toys?"

 

9. "Onasi's Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em."

 

10. "I'd love to buy something from you, but I'm currently in jail for killing a telemarketer."

 

11. "Black Satanist's League. We welcome you to join the BS. How may I curse you today?"

[milo]

Found these in the swamp.

 

You could either do this: Click

 

Or, if they ask for so-and-so, just say "Hang on please". Then set the phone down and leave it until they hang up.

 

The former is a fantastic idea if I do say so myself.

[JediKnight707]

*snobby voice* Uh, Jae, it's I'll get whatever she's having. Gosh! j/king Hehe, When Harry Met Sally is a classic

 

For fun, I've answered the phone, then said, "Hold on for a second, there's someone on the other line," then set the phone down, and put on some "elevator music." Just for ****s and giggles.

 

I've also, when they asked how I was, said I was doing pretty bad, and when they continued, I screamed in the phone, "I SAID I WAS DOING BAD!!!!!!!!"

[Det. Bart Lasiter]

I always have fun trying to get them to hang up. Asking if they're "into" leather or trying to have phone sex with them usually works quite well.

[Jae Onasi]

*snobby voice* Uh, Jae, it's I'll get whatever she's having. Gosh! j/king Hehe, When Harry Met Sally is a classic

 

Heh, I've only seen parts of that movie, including that scene, of course, but I totally forgot about it.

 

And I have to be very careful about how I word such things, seeing as Jimbo is my beloved and Emperor Devon's just a nemesis.

[Emperor Devon]

And I have to be very careful about how I word such things, seeing as Jimbo is my beloved and Emperor Devon's just a nemesis.

 

A nemesis? Get your definitions right. There can only be one nemesis.

 

I've not seen this Harry and Sally movie, but I don't think it would be a good idea if I did.

 

Another method is to play sound effects stored on your ccomputer. I got a prank phone call today, and the people on the other end were very surprised to hear a Weequay crying in misery. They hung up after I went through frightened Gamorreans, curious Quarrens, and a screaming Nihilus. Turning up the voulme extremely loudly helped as well.

[Mav]

Found these in the swamp.

 

You could either do this: Click

Haha, that was pretty hilarious milo

 

I've only had one, "telemarketter" call me and he was from the Army, and he called my friggin cell phone while I was driving, so long story short, I ended up asking him if he could live with the fact that he was responsible for the f-ing death of a U.S. citizen by distracting him on the phone. When he said no, I hung up.

 

But after watching my parents deal with telemarketters, it is pretty funny how things differ between them. My mom, will answer the phone and either say no and hang up, or tell them that they called a business line, because that is apparently a big no-no in the telemarketing industry. My dad however is much more entertaining, I remember one time he got a call asking him to do a survey about gas prices, and we live in Hawaii so 1. gas is exspensive and 2. you don't have a lot of choices on where to go. So anyway after my dad answered the guys survey, he proceeded to demand free gas for a year in the form of coupons from the guy and eventually the guy just hung up, but the whole phone call lasted about an hour. That was a unique one though, usually what happens is my dad talks to them for a while, then hands the phone to my mom and she hangs it up instantly.

[Mace MacLeod]

Offer to unconditionally buy everything they're selling, then make up credit card numbers to pay for it. "What? 02/07 doesn't work? How about 03/08 then? No? 04/09?" They never call back after that. Works like a voodoo charm.

 

Sure-fire way of getting rid of Jehova's Witnesses: Invite them in, let them go through their spiel for a few minutes, then grab a copy of Golden Dawn or something by Aleister Crowley and start quoting from it. In no time at all, they'll be ready to dive through a plate-glass window to escape, and they'll never come back again.

[Jae Onasi]

No offense to Mormons in general, it's just the ones that come to my door and refuse to respect my wishes not to talk to them that drive me crazy. It's not that I don't want to talk to them, it's just that for some reason they always come when I'm in the middle of some big project or am getting ready to rush out the door. It's like they have radar for that--"Hey, Jae's really going nuts trying to get something done. Let's go make her day by bugging her even more!"

 

I had a friend who had left the Mormon church. He said the best way to make Mormons leave is to tell them 'I used to be a Mormon.' Apparently they're not allowed to talk to those who've left the church.

 

I had another friend who was tired of frequent visits from the attack religious types (I think she got a visit from some really agressive JW's, a Mormon, and a Moonie all in 1 week). She finally got tired of it, and when another one came to her door, she turned up some heavy metal stuff really loud, filled a bowl with some ketchup, went to the door with the bowl, and started stirring the ketchup after she opened it. After he said his thing, she said "I'm a satanist. I'm having friends over for a sacrifice tonight. Wanna come?" She said he looked at the bowl, looked at her as she grinned, and then ran away. She never got bothered with people from that particular religion again.

 

@Emperor Devon--When Harry Met Sally is an older movie, and has Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal in it. You can imagine that it'll be nutty, just because Crystal's one of the main characters. The restaurant scene alone will be worth the price of the rental.

[Dark_Lady]

(In a very cliched commercial voice) Hello, thank you for agreeing to fund the Society of Intuitive Thinking on Shallow Subjects. Accessing your credit account, please wait... (play music for a couple seconds) Press one to donate the minimum of one hundred dollars. Press two to become a silver member by donating five hundred dollars. Press three to become a gold member by donating one thousand dollars. Thank you for supporting our goal. The Society of Intuitive Thinking on Shallow Subjects - Reading deeper meaning into meaningless things. (pause if they haven't hung up yet, then say it again.)

 

Usually they leave when you say "Accessing your credit account..."

[milo]

No offense to Mormons in general, it's just the ones that come to my door and refuse to respect my wishes not to talk to them that drive me crazy. It's not that I don't want to talk to them, it's just that for some reason they always come when I'm in the middle of some big project or am getting ready to rush out the door. It's like they have radar for that--"Hey, Jae's really going nuts trying to get something done. Let's go make her day by bugging her even more!"

You think you've got it bad...I live in ****ing UTAH.

 

Of course, not all of them are like that, but there are some pretty annoying ones.

I had a friend who had left the Mormon church. He said the best way to make Mormons leave is to tell them 'I used to be a Mormon.' Apparently they're not allowed to talk to those who've left the church.

Eh? Not that I'm aware of.

[Mace MacLeod]

Just say you're pagan. Nothing will get rid of the door-to-door Jesus salesmen faster.

[Alegis]

Pretend to be two people in the middle of a violent argument. End it with one person getting a knife through the chest, and scream for a medic.

 

Start bellowing "YES!!! YES!!! OH MY GOD, YES!!!" when they ask if you're interested. Repeat this whenever they say something.

 

Cackle insanely. Tell them everything is falling into place, and that Lord Cronal is most pleased. Ask if they would like to rule at your side.

 

Do a Gollum/Smeagol impression.

 

Pretend to be schizophranic. Wail about how "the voices" are growing louder and won't leave you alone.

A laugh was what I needed on this godforsaken hour

 

i'd probably imitate various voices, probably techpriest enginseer from dawn of war. "I shall ease the machine's pain!" or the psyker laugh

http://users.skynet.be/alegis/psyker_crazy_1.mp3

http://users.skynet.be/alegis/psyker_crazy_2.mp3

[Emperor Devon]

A laugh was what I needed on this godforsaken hour

 

Glad to have helped.