RobQel-Droma Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Forget Chuck Norris. Kyle just kicks @$$. (most of these aren't original, I just compiled them from other websites, but add to it if you want to) --- Kyle Katarn doesn't walk: he pushes the planet away from him. Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain, pain feels Kyle Katarn. When Kyle Katarn fires a blaster, there's no recoil. The universe moves forward a little. Kyle Katarn CAN rip the ears off a Gundark, and its arms, and its legs... Kyle Katarn can kiss a wookiee, and the wookiee will like it. Super Star Destroyers were designed to fight the Moldy Crow. Palpatines first sentence in his Dark Side Compendium is "Don't &$#@ with Kyle Katarn!" The Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy to escape Kyle Katarn... The Hoth asteroid field is made up of rocks that Kyle found in his shoes. Darth Malak once tried to copy Kyle's beard. We know what happened next. When Anakin Skywalker gets mad, he turns into Darth Vader. When Darth Vader gets mad, he turns into Kyle Katarn. There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live. Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him. The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning. Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her. Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol. Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was to busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand. Mustafar looks like it does because it's people once ticked Kyle off. Utapau is full of holes for the same reason There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in. There are only two names with which you should address Kyle Katarn: Kyle, and Sir. When the Moff proclaimed that the Death Star was the ultimate power in the galazy, it was because he had never heard of Kyle Katarn. Kyle's so tough that when he climbs rocks he's not going up, he's pulling them down. Kyle's so tough that when he gives the evil eye he can breach the fabric of time and space. Palpatine built The Death Star because he couldn't get Kyle to work for him. Kyle’s so tough that when he does a push-up, he’s pushing the planet away from him. Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-traveling Kyle was his father. Ewoks are just leftovers from when Kyle Katarn shaves his beard. Chiss scientists created Alpha Red by synthesizing Kyle's urine. Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear. Some people whine and cry after slaughtering a camp of Tusken Raiders. Kyle Katarn calls it target practice. The account of Yun-Yuuzhan creating the universe by sacrificing parts of his body was just a day that Kyle decided to shave. The Death Star was not supposed to have any weakness. They were planning to have Kyle Katarn stand inside the exhaust shaft. Kyle Katarn visited the baby Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave him the gift of beard. Kyle Katarn once shot a Star Destroyer down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" In the cancelled LucasArts game "Dark Forces: Oregon Trail," Kyle's family doesn't die from cholera or dysentery, but rather from Bryar Pistol blasts and lightsaber blows. The programmers also didn't include a wagon, since he carried the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. They cancelled development when they realized that Kyle always made it to Oregon before the player. Kyle gave his soul to Darth Sidious for his rugged good looks and unparalleled combat skills. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kyle shot Sidious in the face with his Bryar Pistol and took his soul back. Palpatine, who every so often appreciated irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. Kyle and Palpatine had a steady Sabacc game every second Wednesday of the month until Kyle let some other guy kill him. If you can see Kyle Katarn, he can see you. If you can't see Kyle Katarn, you may be only seconds away from death. Kyle Katarn once lightsabered someone so hard that his blade broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Darth Bane while he was training Darth Zannah. If you ask Kyle Katarn what time it is, he always looks at his chrono and says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shoots you in the face with his Bryar Pistol. Kyle Katarn lost his virginity before Morgan Katarn did. Since around 22 BBY, when Kyle Katarn is believed to have been born, Bryar Pistol-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled beings. Only beings who have met Kyle Katarn. Kyle Katarn is currently suing Del Rey, claiming "Legacy" and "The Force" are trademarked names for his lightsaber and Bryar Pistol. It was once believed that Kyle Katarn actually lost a fight to a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is a lie, created by Kyle Katarn himself to lure more Yuuzhan Vong to him. Yuuzhan Vong never were very smart. Kyle Katarn won at Dejarik without ever moving a piece. He simply ripped the arm off of the Wookiee that was playing against him. Kyle is Zonama Sekot's father. In Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast players may see a screen that says "Game Over Kyle Katarn Has Died" This, however is a typo. It was supposed to say "Game Over Kyle Katarn Is Bored" The Yuuzhan Vong took Coruscant and won the first half of the war because Kyle was sleeping. No one was brave enough to wake him up. God won't let you touch Kyle Katarn Kyle Katarn doesn't need to Flow Walk, he just scares space/time. The Sun Crusher's missiles were so powerful because they contained a glob of Kyle's spit. Tattooine wasn't always a desert. But one day Kyle got thirsty... Grand Admiral Thrawn was one of Kyle Katarn's greatest students. Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber. Kyle Katarn once tried to use a lightsaber to trim his beard. Naturally, the lightsaber couldn't cut his beard. He then mined his stubble and cortosis was born. When the Emperor died on DS2, Katarn travelled to Naboo to let the Gungans know that "Theysa free no more". After that, there was another parade. Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple. Kyle Katarn enjoys reading Popular Gardening magazine. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Kyle Katarn once made the Kessel run in less than ten parsecs. When someone mentioned that parsecs had nothing to do with speed, Katarn sabered them for their ignorance. After all, he's Katarn. Katarn only needs a ship to carry his multitude of Twi-lek dancers. Kyle Katarn is fluent in over 8 million forms of communication. Dark Forces was released in the GFFA as an historic account of events. Players complained there was a glitch that anytime they pressed a button, Katarn would slag away anything on the screen. When Katarn was informed of the mistake he said, "That's no glitch..." Kyle's got a lightsaber when he was born; it was his first rattle. Ganner and Kol Skywalker stole the line "None shall pass" from Kyle Katarn when an aqualish thug tried to butt in front of him in line. Kyle Katarn's favorite snacks are jawas. When Obi-wan told Luke that "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise...." Kyle got so mad that he reduced aunt Beru and uncle Owen to skeletons with a pocket shiv, just to prove the point. There are no force sensitives - only people Kyle Katarn breathed on. Anakin Skywalker was conceived when the dust of Tantooine made Kyle Katarn sneeze. Kyle Katarn can win a game of connect four in only three moves. Contrary to popular belief the GFFA is not a democracy, it is a Katarnatorship. Kyle Katarn grinds his own caf with is teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas. The original draft of Lord of the Rings featured Kyle Katarn instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long as Kyle Katarn kicked Sauron's *** halfway through the first chapter. A single hair plucked from Katarn's beard is enough to allow him to spear through Mandalorian armor. There's an order to the universe: Space, Time, Kyle Katarn.....Just kidding, Kyle Katarn is first. Kyle Katarn puts the "laughter" is manslaughter. Force ghosts are actually caused by Kyle Katarn killing people faster than death can process them. Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it. If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn. Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate. Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection. There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138. Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore. Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn. From TKA-001: The reason Kyle Katarn doesn't make shadowtroopers shat their pants when he's fighting them is because it's physically impossible to shat while wearing that armor. When they first fought on Artus Prime, Kyle let Desann beat him because he was so tired from shagging Jan. Kyle Katarn doesn't dodge lasers. He scares them away. The only reason the Dark troopers dared to shoot at Kyle Katarn is because they mistook him for someone else. Luke's torpedo destroyed the Death Star because Kyle Katarn wanted it to. When he killed Jerec, Kyle Katarn didn't take all of the Valley of the Jedi's power because he didn't need it. From The Seeker: The only reason Kyle Katarn didn't marry Princess Leia is so Han and Luke would pull their own weight and he wouldn't have to do everything by himself to save the galaxy. He totally had sex with her though. Totally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Dravis Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Katarn is the best! I especially liked this one: "Darth Malak once tried to copy Kyle's beard. We know what happened next." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inyri Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Are we thinking of the same Kyle Katarn? I mean I love him too, but... come on. He practically cried in Dark Forces 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 OMG, that is the most hilarious thing i've ever heard. Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain. Pain feels Kyle Katarn. Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamqd Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 awesome! I personally dont him in that High esteem, but I agree Kyle has kicked some behind over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Meh, some of this is pretty funny, but those are all variations of the Chuck Norris Facts, but with Kyle's name instead of Chuck Norris'. I wonder what Chuck Norris would do, if he found out about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miltiades Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hehe. Very nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salzella Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 "Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear." haha, i especially liked that one. awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HerbieZ Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I mean I love him too, but... come on. He practically cried in Dark Forces 2. A rare moment but those tears apparantly cure all known disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Very funny Rob! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Shake Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Meh, some of this is pretty funny, but those are all variations of the Chuck Norris Facts, but with Kyle's name instead of Chuck Norris'. I wonder what Chuck Norris would do, if he found out about this? We'd all get roundhouse kicked in the arse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Excellent work Rob! This made my day, I'm going to save this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Someone has obviously pilfered a Chuck Norris list of similar nature. Kyle wears BROWN and that makes him CRAP IMO mtfbwya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoiuyWired Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Meh, some of this is pretty funny, but those are all variations of the Chuck Norris Facts, but with Kyle's name instead of Chuck Norris'. I wonder what Chuck Norris would do, if he found out about this? Remember early Katarn SUED TO BE SHAVED? Maybe the current Katarn IS Chuck Norris!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamqd Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Kyle Katarn sold his soul to the Darkside for his rugged good looks and unparalleled ass kicking ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kyle roundhouse kicked the Emperor in the face and took his soul back. The Emperor, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play pazaak every second Wednesday of the month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live. There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol. There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobQel-Droma Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 Meh, some of this is pretty funny, but those are all variations of the Chuck Norris Facts, but with Kyle's name instead of Chuck Norris'. Originality may occasionally run low, but some are pretty funny without being direct copies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 LMAO...Rob that was funny!!! I like Kyle Katarn having played Jedi Academy a few times and I got to understand a different way of thinking. This is just plain funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 So awesome. Kyle Katarn is an awesome character and this just really does him justice. "Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas." "Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-traveling Kyle was his father." "Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him." Awesome work. Someone should make a Kyle Katarn mod for TSL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negative Sun Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 "Kyle Katarn lost his virginity before Morgan Katarn did." Awesome, though it invokes a slightly confusing case of Oedipus complex if you ask me... Funny list, and Kyle does pwn all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 The only reason Kyle Katarn didn't marry Princess Leia is so Han and Luke would pull their own weight and he wouldn't have to do everything by himself to save the galaxy. He totally had sex with her though. Totally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredi Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 hahaha,I like Kyle Katarn ... he is great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKA-001 Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 The reason Kyle Katarn doesn't make shadowtroopers shat their pants when he's fighting them is because it's physically impossible to shat while wearing that armor. When they first fought on Artus Prime, Kyle let Desann beat him because he was so tired from shagging Jan. Kyle Katarn doesn't dodge lasers. He scares them away. The only reason the Dark troopers dared to shoot at Kyle Katarn is because they mistook him for someone else. Luke's torpedo destroyed the Death Star because Kyle Katarn wanted it to. When he killed Jerec, Kyle Katarn didn't take all of the Valley of the Jedi's power because he didn't need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Kyle Katarn shot first. Most Jedi try to be one with the Force. Never one to share the spotlight, though, Kyle Katarn is happy just using it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I wonder what would happen if Kyle Katarn and Chuck Norris would do battle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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